Unashamed

I know who I am, and I am unashamed.

Recently, I had an experience I had not had since high school. Those of you here who know me know that I was very middle of the road by the time high school rolled around. I was in no way popular, but I wasn't exactly ostracized. Too often then I care to remember I was on the receiving end of passive aggression.

Adulting has shown me that the passive aggression never really goes away, but I had not really had the pleasure of experiencing friendships that drop as fast as they start since school. I like to think that's because I have become better at discerning who is genuine and worth my time. About two months ago I got a message from someone I thought was a friend that made me internally scream "Just say what you mean!".

A little back story for you. For the sake of this story let's call this 'friend' Melissa. So, Melissa and I actually knew each other when we were in college. We met through another friend of mine whom she happened to be dating at the time. Back then Melissa came into my life at time when I needed a good friend who lived near me with similar interest. Our friendship grew over long nights of studying, early morning runs, and late-night red wine conversations.

Over the course of about a year and half we became very close, but I was watching Melissa grow more and more unhappy in her romantic relationship. She was unhappy to the point where she would tear up when it was time for her leave my apartment after studying. Eventually, Melissa ended her romantic relationship. For a minute it seemed like she was taking charge of her life and putting herself first, but then she began to relationship hop. Constantly seeking to quantify her value from other people's thoughts.

Time was moving very fast for me back then. It was my senior year of college; I was newly engaged and working around thirty hours a week. So, when Melissa started to flake on studying or running, I began to distance myself. I was young and immature enough that I didn't know how to communicate what I was feeling. The evidence was clear that she was in a spiral, but I just didn't want to take the time away from my life to fumble my way through some sort of intervention speech. Instead of helping her I just stayed quiet, or, in today's terms, I ghosted Melissa.

Years went by and every once in a while, Melissa would pop into my head. I missed the friendship we had. I would wonder if she was doing well and if she was taking care of herself. One day I was scrolling through TikTok and came across a video. My first thought was "Wow! That's Melissa, I knew her." As I watched her content gain in popularity, I couldn't help but be proud of her for how much she had grown and changed. Never engaging, but always so excited to see where life was taking her, I just watched and cheered from behind my phone screen.

Well, as you know, last year I published my book. In October/November Melissa reached out through Facebook to congratulate me on my book. From that message we began to reconnect more. Phone dates were had, voice messages exchanged, and I was so thrilled to feel like this person I had missed over the years was back in my life.

Many of our conversations were mostly catching up on our lives and everything that had happened in the nearly thirteen years since we knew each other in college. As we became more and more comfortable our conversations revolved more on our present lives, parenting our kids, and the people who frustrate us. All was going well, or so I thought.

One day our topic of conversation turned to politics. I want to preface this part of the story by saying I was fully aware of the differences in our political opinions. Melissa has developed her social media following by sharing her thoughts and opinions. I am just someone who does not solely make relationship choices based on someone's political views. Instead, I prefer to spend my time with people who show me who they are. I look at things like how they treat people, are they honest, are they kind, generous, patient, understanding. Political views are so low on my list of qualities of a good person.

I do understand that politics and voting play a key role in what kind of community we live in. I believe that there is more than one way to make things happen and if we as a community are willing to dig deep, we can find solutions that meet in the middle. I live my life treating people how I want to be treated, giving back to my community, and letting my actions display my beliefs. Before voting I take time to review candidates and their voting records. Too many people are content to listen to a well-crafted speech indented to emotional charge an audience that they lose sight of the facts. I have even been known to read through potential legislation to better understand the long-term effects in the proposal. I am a naturally skeptical person who struggles to accept any politician's words on their face.

So, when our conversation turned political and we were sharing thoughts, I knew we were going to be on the opposite side of a lot of things on an ideological level. Having people in our lives that have different beliefs is healthy, in my opinion. I enjoy listening and understanding someone else's perspective even if I do not agree with their position. During the course of our conversation, we covered a wide range of topics, and I found myself learning things I hadn't before. I really enjoyed the conversation, largely because understanding the reasoning behind someone's opinions gives a little window into the life experiences that shaped a person.

As someone who is a strong moderate, but has never voted a straight ticket, I think it's important to be educated on key topics. I believe all voters should really look long term at how a policy will play out, and not just consider the short-term win. I firmly believe in the separation of church and state, and that laws need to be made based off of logic and fact not emotion.

The conversation ended and I didn't get the impression that anything was wrong at that time. Then Melissa stopped responding to my messages. At first, I didn't find her silence out of the norm, but then she sent me a text. Her text said something along the lines of "Did you think I was someone different than who I portray myself to be when we first started talking?". Instantly, I felt guilty because I never want to make someone second guess themselves or feel poorly over something I said. But I can't apologize or explain If I don't know I have done something. Communication is key in all relationships. If a relationship is important then both parties will be willing to confront things that hurt or upset them.

Confused I sent a voice message back apologizing for something I was unaware I did. In the middle of Sam's Club, a few hours later, I get a text from her roughly stating "Something is off about us talking. So off. I no longer beg people to tell me the truth. I just block them and move on." The phrase "beg people to tell me the truth" really caught my attention. I could not think of one thing in any of our conversations that I could have even come off as untruthful or even be construed as fake. I tend be very 'what you see is what you get' type of person.

As I was turning the conversations over in my head it hit me. Like a flipping a switch the lights came on and everything made sense. I knew I hadn't lied to her about anything. She was the one who was lying. For all of her talk of acceptance a society that embraces differences, she turned out to be the one who was incapable of tolerating differences of opinion. Melissa didn't want to end our friendship because 'something was off'. No, she didn't want to be friends with me because I didn't vote the exact same way she did.

Honestly, that realization was a little of a gut punch, because I am not someone who just goes around making a ton of friends. I try to be discerning and make sure I am surrounding myself with people who have good hearts. Time is my most precious currency and if I am choosing to spend it with someone it is because I truly value and enjoy them.

Once I caught my breath and came to terms with reality laying between the lines, I bit back all of the hurt that wanted to respond in nasty eviscerating ways and said what she couldn't or wouldn't say.

I simply said "I know who I am, and I am proud of how I live my life. If you don't like who I am, well that does hurt, but I will take that hurt and let it make me stronger. I wish you nothing but the best. I don't make friends easily or lightly. I will miss you. Take the best care." As I hit send, I said a prayer that my sincerity would ring in every word. Really and truly, I hope she continues to make a difference in the world and be a place of positivity for those who follow her. May she continue to grow as person and see the value in having friends from all backgrounds and beliefs. After all, the freedom to believe differently is what the United States is supposed to be about.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. If she would have just come out said she doesn't like my political views and she isn't sure she can be my friend it would have still hurt, but I could have respected her honesty. The same a cheater accuses their partner of cheating in attempt to cover their indiscretions so will a liar accuse someone else of lying to cover their own lies. Sadly, I think the person Melissa is lying to the most is herself.

That being said, I will not let someone make me feel badly for having a different opinion. I do not have to agree with every opinion someone has to love them. Learning from other people's differences and working together is the only way to create a better and kinder world. My faith tells me the greatest command is love. I do my best to approach all relationships with love and understanding. Words are nothing compared to actions. I know who I am, and I am unashamed.