It’s Not About The Trash

But let’s be honest, our hurt and anger is never about the trash.

Let me set the scene. It’s been a long week. You have been working, slinging breakfast and packing lunches, planning/shuffling diners, chauffeuring kids, juggling laundry, trying to stay hydrated, and I’m sure forgetting more than one thing. Friday night is finally here. There are no sports and you feel like you are about to have 48 hours to relax and get caught up.

Once the pizza is eaten and put away you stack the boxes next to the full trashcan and ask your husband to take the trash and pizza boxes out. Fifteen minutes later the dishes are loaded in the dish washer, the counters have been wiped down, and the kitchen is clean except for the trash. Moving forward toward the evening of relaxation you have been craving you shift from the kitchen to the kids. After baths are completed and children tucked away you make your way down to pour a glass of wine then fall into your favorite seat on the couch.

Wine glass in hand you see the empty pizza boxes next to the overflowing trash. A flash of frustration momentarily ripples through you. For a second you think about just leaving them there and waiting for your husband to get them. Not wanting to remind him and come off as nagging you look at the overflowing trash for a moment longer before resigning to taking out the trash. Knowing your husband had a long week too and wanting to just settle in for the evening you set your wine down, bag the trash, grab the boxes, and take them out to the big trash bin. No further conversation is had.

Week after week the pattern continues. The food may be different. The weekly activities may vary, but the general theme of disproportioned responsibilities is an ever present undercurrent. Part of you feels like bringing it up is just you being ridiculous or picking a fight. You don’t want to come off as a nag. You don’t want your husband to feel as if you lack appreciation for all he does for you and your family. Slowly, the pressure continues to build.

Then one Friday night the perfect combination of a stressful week, hormones, and sarcastic comment all come together in an explosive collision. Next thing you know you have locked yourself in your bed room feeling like a crazy person while you try to get the hot angry tears under control. To everyone else around you the argument and anger seemed to come from out of nowhere. Your husbands words echo around your brain, “It’s just trash. I will get to it later. What is this big deal? Why are you so upset?”. Replaying the argument makes you feel even more insane.

Truthfully the anger didn’t come from out of nowhere. Your husband is right. It is just trash. While the overflowing trash was the catalyst for this particular explosion, the trash is not the real issue. Feeling unseen, unappreciated, and disrespected are the deeper underlying issues. You asked for help and were greeted with an empty agreement that made you feel like you were all alone in maintaining the house, taking care of the kids, and juggling work life balance.

This scenario is something that has played out many times in my family. So many times I have tried to play superwoman and let my concerns about being needy or naggy override my better judgement. Instead of sharing how overwhelmed I am taking the time to really make my husband understand how to help relieve some of the burden I shoved down my feelings until I was yelling about the stinking overflowing trash.

It’s ok to need help. Even more, it’s ok to demand a change in how responsibilities are shared. When you begin to feel overwhelmed remember it’s ok to be upset. But let’s be honest, our hurt and anger is never about the trash.