Are You Entertained?

. . .a ring master spinning me around on center stage maintaining your control through your honey dipped whip of pain. As you watch me pretend all is ok, tell me, are you entertained?

It tears through me, the sound of your voice. Mere proximity to leaves me weak in the knees as I forget how to breathe. Loving you was never a conscious choice. Common sense and logic cease at the mention of your name. Now, irrevocably altered pieces of me are all that remain.

A knowing smile curves your lips nothing more than a cold trick, an illusion of feelings shared. You are enthralling, cruel, charming, alluring, deceitful, vulnerable, loving, manipulative, sweet, but never unaware. So clever this way you weaponized my affections into a beautiful snare.

Innocence I am not here to claim. My part, though blindly, has been willfully played. Forever I will be cloaked in the colors of that shame. Hearing my words flow from your lips, such sweet seductive lyrics, only then do I fully understand your game.

So caught up in my emotions I missed the bigger plan. Fool, the word echoes through my empty chest as I watch you leave my heart in your hand. Hollow was never how I imagined this pain. As our silhouette fades, I can’t help but wonder, are you entertained?

Fast as a wildfire blaze the pain burned through leaving behind my living charred remains. Time does not heal all things. Rather, time allows walls to build and strengthen lessening the intensity of the sting.

Moving on is best done with simplicity. Focusing day by day on what needs to be done and moving through the actions until things come more easily. Slowly, my smile returns as I choose to find joy in the way I used to be. Returning to a version of me was like a homecoming.

Did you know a drunken call can topple carefully constructed walls? Better judgement and rational thought disappeared as I miss you dripped like honey from your lips to my ear. The flames of desire reignited and once again I was a pyre.

Such a predictable end and still I carry this secret shame. I answer every time you call but I never say your name. Letting you go completely would be healthy, but it seems like impossibility. So I’m left in this limbo of desire and reality.

Doomed and tortured living life in a never ending duality. Do you feel the same? No, you are a ring master spinning me around on center stage maintaining your control through your honey dipped whip of pain. As you watch me pretend all is ok, tell me, are you entertained?