Undefined Guilt

I am filled with this murky grey undefined guilt.

Forgiveness waring with my human inability to forget. Sticky memories pulling the past through my veins. Familiar, waves of pain leaving me heaving upended. Intentional manipulative choices flowing into consequences unintended. Equal parts love and hatred mix until well blended.

Change was more than needed. Years of begging. Wearing holes in my jeans while down on my knees crying, please. Joy should overflow watching time and circumstances force you to grow. All this transformation and still I feel the heavy pull of the undertow.

Relief from responsibility grates against the question of is this too little too late? Grace whispers in the back of my brain. Though I know I have to let you change, the snide inside says no, now it's your turn to wait.

Time keeps moving, ebbing, and sometimes soothing. You are trying so hard. I am proud of the distance you have covered so far. But I do hear the way hesitation colors and causes my praises to stilt. Inside, I am filled with this murky grey undefined guilt.

Deep down, an ugly truth I have to tell. So many years of broken promises have me scorned. A sad lesson through pain was born. Hope can be dangerous leaving you dumbstruck and torn. In that fear I find, no matter how much the winds of progress fill your sails, shamefully, there is a part of me watching and waiting for you to fail.