The Love You Gave

Forever, I will be grateful for the love you were able give.

I remember this one time. I can't quiet recall how old I was, but it was in the time before you disappeared. In this memory I am a small child waking in your arms as you carried me up the stairs. This is a precious moment stored in my heart. A time when you showed your affection in a tangible way and your love seeped into the place in my heart that longed for you.

Time, as it often does, sped up. Almost as if I blinked and your absence was all I knew. Confused and unable to make the world around me make sense I wrapped myself in blame. If I had been a better kid, a better daughter, more well behaved, well then maybe you could have been convinced to stay.

Wounded and tender-hearted child became a hurt and angry teenager. Trapped in the between of childhood wonder and stark reality. Conversations swirl and your angry words reveal the truth. Pain and hurt made you leave, but selfish victim mentality kept you from fighting for any kind of relationship with me.

Determined to make you see that I am someone worth knowing I continued to throw myself at your feet. We had conversations about life, political debates, and you spewed your anger. But your illogical justifications did not fill my need. No matter how hard I tried you never grasped that all I wanted was for you to unconditionally love me.

Perspective should be an ever-evolving thing. My relationship with Christ softened my view of your choices with the filter of human understanding. My inner child will always be wounded that you were not able to choose me over your addictions and selfish gain. While I was moving through my anger God was repurposing my pain.

As a human I can see your struggles and feel for the pain that twisted and pulled you in so many wrong ways. Duality is there. Two things can be true. I can be both wounded and still love you.

Now as you rest in death's embrace, I choose grace. I choose to find joy in the happy days. Memories of back porch nights, singing songs, windows down, drunken philosophy, and fireflies. I find comfort in the knowledge that your pain is gone. I will make the best of your memory in this life I get to live. Forever, I will be grateful for the love you were able give.