Manage Expectations

Managing expectations is a process that requires constant effort and refining.

My family and I have been very blessed to spend the last few weeks traveling to spend time with family. I have been given the opportunity to love on people I haven’t seen in several months and it more than warmed my heart in so many ways. Too often, I don’t realize just how much I miss someone until they are right in front of me. Maybe that is the way my brain is able to focus on fulfilling my day to day demands rather than dwelling in the sense of loss that comes from missing people.

One of the people I was able to visit with this week was my dad. If you have been following along you know my relationship with my dad is not traditional by any means. I have spoken in previous blog post and even in Ketchup Sandwiches about how I try to manage my expectations. This is a two sided coin, right?

On the one side, when we expect people to give more than they are capable of giving we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. The thing about disappointment is it lingers and before too long it begins to morph into frustration. Frustration has a way of coloring all our memories and experiences with someone in the shade of anger. All of that frustration and anger alters our ability to approach that relationship with any measure of grace or kindness.

The flip side of the expectations coin is having no expectations. This gives no place for someone to rise. There is no allowing for change or growth. No expectations is the same as putting someone in a box and saying “This is it. This is all you will ever be.” On this side of the coin we are forever defining someone by their past and that is not entirely fair. So, where is the balance and how do you find it?

Managing expectations is something I have been struggling with since I was a little girl. This has been particularly difficult for me in regards to my parents. Coming into adolescence I tried to protect my already wounded heart by feigning callousness when I spoke about my parents. I remember saying “I have no expectations for my parents. When you don’t have any expectations you can’t be disappointed”. If by chance my parent actually did the right thing or put my needs ahead of their own selfish desires I would minimize their accomplishments by stating something along the lines of “Well, when you don’t have expectations you leave yourself open to being pleasantly surprised.”

Adulthood and life experiences have changed my perspective and opinions on expectations. I still find it difficult to give my parents expectations to rise up and meet. As faith and my relationship with God have deepened two questions come to me when I talk to God about my parents. “How often has God been disappointed by my choices? How often have I hurt God with my selfishness?” When I look at my parents from that perspective I don’t see how I can completely stop having expectations for them and still be a faithful Christian.

I have learned to manage my expectations for my parents like I do with my children. When I feel myself getting frustrated with my children I remind myself of their age and that (typically) their behavior or choices are developmentally appropriate. With my children I tailor my expectations to what they are capable of giving and slowly raise my expectations bar as they grow. Often easier said than done in our fast paced world of instant gratification.

Applying this method to my parents is a little different. Obviously developmentally appropriate behavior isn’t going to be measured by age for them. When I am setting my expectations for a certain interaction I do my best to look at the situation with the perspective of their mental illnesses in mind. I remove the typical parent child interactions from the expectations column and try not to expect more than they are capable of giving. When I want to raise the expectations bar I try to do so with kindness and do so in very small increments.

Today’s culture very much says we should close the door, write people off, and be willing to just go forever no contact with someone when they fail us. ‘Toxic Family Members’ is a phrase that gets tossed around a lot. I know that there are toxic family members out there. Learning to see people the way God sees them allows me to consider what the underlying issues may be. People are not born ‘toxic’ or mean. They are changed by life like we all are. Many times the most toxic person is struggling to acknowledge or work through their own wounds. Worse these people are family members struggling, whether publicly or privately, with addictions or a mental illness.

One thing you can be absolutely certain of is that at some point you will be disappointed or hurt or some combination of the two by everyone in your life. It is the nature of relationships to have ups and downs. No one is perfect and we all have our own struggles. Granted some people will hurt you repeatedly and we need to be wise how we handle relationships with those in throws of addiction or mental illness. We need to be clear about our boundaries and the pieces of our lives we are willing to share with those we do not entirely trust.

As Christians, we are called to love. A big part of love is forgiveness and a willingness to look beyond our personal hurts and bias. Love and boundaries go hand in hand. Having boundaries in a relationship, especially if that person is struggling with addiction or mental illness, is wise. Forgiveness and kindness require a great deal of strength. Letting anger and hurt harden your heart is far easier. Before you close and lock doors. Before you throw away the key and declare someone eternally toxic, ask yourself if you have looked at things from all sides. Are you treating this person the same way you would want to be treated? When you mess up do you want your children to write you off?

We can manage our expectations based on what people are capable of giving. We can slowly raise the bar. We can love the way God loves us. These are things I truly believe. These are things I try to put into action daily. Managing expectations is a process that requires constant effort and refining. I don't believe anyone does this perfectly but I do believe we can all manage our expectations better.