I Don't Care

I hear the sadness in your words. Truly, you sound sincere. There was a time, not so long ago, when my heart would break with your tears. I want to. Desperately I want to find some way, for old times' sake, to reach out and take you in, but all of my cares have disappeared. Washed away on the never-ending stream of lies that flowed so easily from your beautiful lips.

Once, you were the sunshine that warmed my face and filled me with joy. I believed every word you said, but now as you speak my brain picks apart and turns over every word looking for the ploy. Believing you was easy as breathing. Romanced by your charm I was blinded, unable to see the danger, unaware of the harm till I was left broken and bleeding.

Apologies poured so easily from your lips. Words so smooth and honied. I have been drunk off your sorry and warmed by promises of change. I have been soothed by your version of truth. My feet were planted in some twisted thought that my love, our bond, would be enough. Chained to you by my own stubborn will and need to be right. My heals dug in determined to win every fight.

Warrior and defender of love. Lines were drawn and relationships altered. Blinded to all the ugly truths. I contorted and molded myself to suit you. I starved and stifled my desires. A smaller version of the me I hardly knew. Simpering and storing away your smiles to keep me company when your anger riled. All too quickly my dreams became your dreams. To be loved by you defined me. Fear is such a beautiful liar. Earning your love was my all-consuming destiny. No, me, only we.

There were no winners in our game. Just a circle, a never-ending cycle, of pain. Lies grew thin as the bruises were yellowing. Covering for you chipped away and exhausted me with ever growing frequency. Never found quite the right shade of Maybelline. Love for you was killing me. Deep down I knew. Somehow, I had to stop living for the "I'm Sorry". Such beautifully disguised deception wrapped in two little words.

For a long time, I felt weak for leaving you. I wasn't enough for you not strong enough, smart enough, beautiful enough. I typed apology text a thousand times, but never pressed send. I knew, I knew the good could never outweigh the bad. Loving the side of you that was good would be my end.

Slowly, minute by minute. Hour by hour. The broken pieces of me found their way back together. The woman in the mirror is not the same. A little worn, a little harder, but also stronger. I have learned that I am enough. All the hate and hurt you spewed had nothing to do with me. It was always about you.

Healing is a funny thing. I always thought leaving you would be choosing to live with the constant pain of your absence. Now I see, you were never mine to save. Time and distance gave me clarity. I wish you all the best, but your healing is not my responsibility.