Daddy’s Girl

That man will never know how much his obedience to the Holy Spirit impacted my heart.

If you have read Ketchup Sandwiches you know that my relationship with my dad was not a typical father daughter thing. My dad struggled with his demons and more often than not they won. His life, as far as I have seen, has been one of selfishness with moments of generosity and service.

Sadly, I don’t really know my dad as an adult. Not for lack of trying. Many times I have tried to make a bridge, have grace for his flaws, and accept him for who he is. For several years of my young adult life I made phone calls, used my resources and vacation time to visit, and made every effort I could to include him in my life. But it always felt like I was dragging him through a door he just didn’t want to go through.

His lack of interest in my life was source of pain for a long time. Aging and time provides perspective, and I have been able to see that my dad not wanting to know me had nothing to do with me at all. My success in life has been in spite of my parents rather than because of them. Both of my parents created some massive obstacles for me to overcome. Self awareness can be a double edged sword.

When my dad finally stopped drinking he was able to see more clearly the damage he caused. I think the knowledge of his failures makes it difficult to connect with me. On top of that I made drastically different life choices which can make finding common ground for conversations difficult. I love both of my parent’s and love them for who they are. Through many years of growth and therapy I have learned to stop expecting more than they are capable of giving. Managing expectations with my parents allows me to be kinder when they stay true to who they are.

All of that being said, when I was growing up I always wanted to be a daddy’s girl. The idea of a dad who would be willing to protect me, love me, and support me was a fairytale that that sustained me in some of the darkest parts of my young life. His love and protection was something I craved. It wasn’t until I developed a relationship with God that I was able to really understand unconditional love.

I was sixteen years old sitting under the stands at a track meet. That season had been particularly rough for me socially and I spent most of my time alone in silence. During this season, upon the advice of one of my youth leaders, I decided to use this season of social isolation to study God’s word. This particular day I was reading through the book of Ephesians and I was so consumed with Paul’s words that I didn’t realize a man passing by was talking to me until he tapped my shoulder.

When I looked up this older gentleman, who must have been there to watch his kid compete, said he wanted to shake my hand. He could read the confusion on my face and I will never forget his words “I just felt like God wanted me say hello to a sister in Christ. Keep reading. It’s the most important book you will ever study.” We shook hands and he went on to find a seat I guess. That man will never know how much his obedience to the Holy Spirit impacted my heart.

God knew I was feeling very lonely. He sent this man to remind me that no matter where I am there He is as well. God was looking out for me and not just physically. He was providing for me emotionally and soothing my soul. I felt seen and loved. For the first time in my life I felt like a daddy’s girl.

Fast forward twenty years. Now at 36 years old I have two of my own babies and have been blessed with such a wonderful partner in life. Everyday I get to watch my kids be loved by their earthly father the way I always wanted to be. In my heart I know this is another gift from God. He promises to heal all our hurts and watching my daughter be loved, accepted, and protected has healed so many parts of the little girl I once was.