The Pain
A constant throbbing ache. Memories and history live in my skin. Fear grips and my body respond in ways I don’t always understand. Anxiety, fight or flight, I never feel safe. Hypervigilance is exhausting. I am drifting in open seas surrounded by yachts, but no one is rescuing me. Loneliness pushes me further till I find others with stories like mine. Reliving, venting, but never healing. Sometimes this emotional pain is so intense it becomes a physical reality that cannot be ignored. Anything. God, give me anything to numb this pain.
The Lie
It’s just to help me escape the nightmares that haunt me. I only use a little to help me sleep. Just a little to get through the day. I’m so stressed and want to decompress. I don’t need it. I can stop whenever I want. No one can tell and I am not hurting anyone anyway. If they had been through what I have been through they wouldn’t be so judgmental. I am in control. I am not an addict.
The Fall
It’s not my fault. My boss just didn’t understand. My landlord is being unreasonable. Everyone is expecting me to do too much. Stupid. Everyone is stupid. Why is the world against me? It’s fine. I will figure it out, but first I need to get my head on right. Just a little to help me relax and think. A phone call or two with some carefully placed tears and my family will help me. They owe me anyway. I’m right. I know I am right. How did I get here in this place where there is bar between me and my life?
The Ripple
Here we are again. Listening to tearful pleadings over a recorded line. Is this the rock bottom we have been praying for? God, is helping what you are calling us to do, or will it just be further enabling? Familiar promises of change tugging at our heartstrings emotionally manipulating. So, we roll up our sleeves and try to help. Waist deep in a mess we didn’t create only to find ourselves on the receiving end of ugly words and hate. One step at a time. Feeling our way through for the next right thing. Stay the course and hold our ground. Gratitude is in short supply, but we cover the anger with grace. Knowing if we can change the end of this story it will be worth the sacrifices of time and using our every resource.