Hold your tongue. Swallow your feelings. Bend your beliefs to those around you. Be polite. Be kind. Let them say whatever they want. Speaking up is rude. Keep your cool. Let them label you, but don’t you dare do the same. Sit quietly. Exhausting as it is we must play the peace keeping game.
Recently I have walked away from more than one conversation with a person I love covered with the icky sticky feeling that comes with a disingenuous response. Replaying the words said and unsaid I begin to doubt whether my efforts to keep the waters tepid were out of love or because I was avoiding confrontation.
People who know me well are probably laughing after reading the words ‘avoiding confrontation’. That is not a trait that is typically included in the list of descriptors for Stephanie. That is not to say that I am overtly confrontational. However, I am not typically one shy away from speaking up when injustice seems flagrant.
But in the last year I have had three distinct interactions with three different people where I found myself trying to conform and modify my views. Changes born not of revelation but in an effort more palatable. All three times I left the conversations with a pit in my stomach as though I had blatantly lied. I can’t even argue with my annoying inner voice as she shames me because the reality is that I did lie. The question is why?
Funnily I have never felt the need to mince my words with a stranger. These conversations were with people I care deeply about. With them I find myself seeking to justify my curbed thoughts, minced words, and moments of silence which grate against my better judgment and worse against my faith. The only justification that has come to me is the idea that I am keeping the peace.
Peacekeeping might be better referred to as lies of omission. I know that seems a little dramatic, but it is the truth. Deliberately curbing my thoughts, beliefs, and setting aside my sense of right and wrong to make myself fit in someone else’s box is a form of lying. In those moments I am intentionally misrepresenting who I am to make someone else feel comfortable or accepted. This action has become such a social norm that I don’t think any of us really take time to think about just how often we truly misrepresent ourselves.
In my life this scenario occurs most often around my faith. Unfortunately, times are such that in so many circles Christianity has become synonymous with overt hate and forced conversion. I will be the first to acknowledge that there are so many extremes to be found. In no way am I trying to say that people have not experienced harsh criticism or judgement from a Christian who used their faith to justify ugly behavior. Extremists exist on both sides of any idea.
Disagreeing or sharing thoughts should be something we are able to do with those we love. But here I am walking on eggshells because we have come to places where too many people feel attacked simply because someone shares a different perspective or opinion.
Holding back is not only disingenuous, but it is not really love. It’s enabling, coddling, and soft. There are times when love needs to be soft. However, love shouldn’t ALWAYS be soft. Soft is fragile and fragile is not something love should be. When we truly love someone, we should love them enough to push back and be willing to disagree.
Two things can be true. I can love you and disagree with you.